Review: Sqweel 2

Posted December 30, 2013 by Insane Hussein in Reviews / 2 Comments

Lovehoney Sqweel 2When I originally requested the Lovehoney Sqweel 2 Oral Sex Simulator for review, I was intrigued by the design. It’s a circular device with mini tongues that rotate to simulate lapping. I thought it looked pretty cool. Then I wanted to try it.

When I received the toy, I got it, and Duracell AAA Batteries (4 Pack), and I opened it, planned on a particular porn to watch, and began to masturbate. When I introduced the Sqweel 2 to my session, I was a little interested, then I got bored and became disinterested. So I put it aside and switched it out for Old Faithful (aka my eroscillator). Then I forgot about it. Until I looked at my review list. Woops.

The Sqweel 2 comes in two colors: black or white. I chose the white, because I prefer that to black, most times. The Sqweel 2 is a bit hefty, at five inches diameter, and is quite a handful. This toy comes with ten silicone mini tongues, so it is continuously lapping at the clit while it rotates. These tongues are pink, and actually tongue-shaped, with indents in the center and the rounded shape.

The Sqweel 2 is battery-operated, but randomly requires 3 AAA batteries. Yeah, I don’t get that either. It is also controlled via two buttons on one of the flat sides, with two buttons. One is an power button, the other is one that controls the rotational pattern, with three different rotations: continual rotation, and two back-and-forth rotations (one fast, the other slower).

What I like most about the Sqweel 2 is that it is actually not super noisy, but the whirring sound while the silicone tongues rotate is still fucking annoying as hell. It has a kind of a low whiny hum, which distracts, but I usually have earbuds in while I listen to whatever porn I am watching. I watch a lot of porn, so I guess you could take a stab in the dark as to which one.

However, what did get me the most riled was the Sqweel 2‘s design. However, the Sqweel is better designed for less fleshy vulvas (mine isn’t super fleshy, but it’s still a little fleshy), especially ones with thick labia you don’t have to hold back so the Sqweel’s tongues can actually reach your clitoris. I had to hold my labia back a little bit in order for the tongues to actually touch my clit, but the bulkiness of the body and the awkward angle I had to hold my wrist, didn’t endear me to this toy. I never achieved orgasm because my wrist hurt and my attention didn’t last and I just switched to my old faithful, the eroscillator. In addition, I didn’t notice that it was pulling on my pubic hair, but that could be due to the fact that I keep it trimmed very short.

sqweel-2-white-closeupThe Sqweel 2‘s mini-tongues feel like they’re very lightly slapping my clit, like super light tap-tap-tap, which feels… weirdly okay, but doesn’t really do anything for me. I also did not have any orgasms with the Sqweel, which sucked ballz. It felt good, but not good enough. I was disappointed with it for that reason. The Sqweel 2 also required a shit ton of lube. A. Lot. Of. Lube. A. LOT. OF. LUBE.

As for cleaning this toy, it was awkward as shit. I basically had to break it apart, clean it and put it back together, all clean and shit. It felt like I was at my slave job and it is one of the reasons I took so long to post this review. I had much antipathy for this because I just want things to be simple after I’ve had a few orgasms, or masturbatory sessions. Pretty please.

However, the Sqweel 2 in no way resembles anything like oral sex. It’s just a toy with appendages that slap the clit. Oral sex is way different and varied. So that aspect of the Sqweel 2 was also incredibly annoying. I expected it to feel something like a guy who’s unsure of how to eat pussy, so he applies only the bare minimum of pressure, but instead it just felt like something that tap-tap-taps my clit. Also, unlike oral sex, I had to hold back my labia. Usually, they don’t need to be held back.

I know my clitoris is super selective, but it seems it has become even more selective as time moves forward, Which is a daunting challenge, indeed. It especially knows what oral sex feels like and the Sqweel 2 was not it.

Thanks to the lovely people at Lovehoney for sending me the Sqweel 2 Oral Sex Simulator for review!

New! Sqweel 2 the worlds best selling oral sex toy!

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Insane Hussein

J is a super-cool female superhero delivering her honest opinions of romance novels, douchenuggetry, sex toys, porn and whatever else she fancies. When not on the blog, she can be found on twitter chatting about whatever random thing occurs to her, might be curled up with a good book, eating chocolate, guzzling--she mean, sipping delicately--wine, watching TV, watching porn or on her back having orgasms. Or a combination thereof. Don't judge, appreciate!

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  • Mike

    Have you ever considered posting video reviews of your product testing? It would drive sales for the company and you could get a cut.

  • I don’t do video reviews. It’s not my thing.