Review: Jack’s Blowjob Lessons

Posted February 2, 2012 by Insane Hussein in Reviews / 14 Comments

Review: Jack’s Blowjob LessonsJack's Blowjob Lessons by Jack Hutson
Published by Self Published on July 1, 2011
Genres: Parody
Pages: 160
Format: eBook
half-star
My name is Jack Hutson. I am no scientist or Ph.D in sexology and I was NOT featured on Oprah or FOX News.

I am the guy who has slept with hundreds of women and taught every one of them to blow like a decent girl should. And that's the only reason you should believe me.

"But I already know how to go down on him, I don't need your advice. My boyfriend/spouse/lover is happy with it" - some of you might say.

Are you sure? 🙂

Girls, let me tell you one thing. Out of 10 blowjobs I received, 9 sucked like hell! And by "sucked" I mean lousy. But - you wouldn't believe - most of these girls thought they were good at it. Their boyfriends were either lying to them or did not know any better. If a guy manages to ejaculate, it does not mean the blowjob was the best he could have. Get it? A man can have sex with almost any woman but only a few of them will be the "best."

A week ago, I heard about Jack’s Blowjob Lessons from fellow bloggers SugarCunt, Bedroom Blogger and Hey Epiphora. They were all over twitter about how this book is totes ridics and quoting from it. Hello, I decided right then and there that I just HAD to read this “book”. So I asked SugarCunt about it and she provided me with Jack’s contact email. I very respectfully emailed him and told him he could Google my blog, cuz I’m a boss like that.

I got the book, and um, that’s when things started going downhill. I started by reading the FAQ PDF. OMG MY RETINAS HAVE BEEN BURNED I NEED SILVADINE!!! That being said, I… had more than a bit of fun reading this monstrosity of chauvinist blowjob views….

Jack Hutson co-wrote this book with Tanya J, some porn star I’ve never heard of (who I think is his alter-ego, but let’s not get into that right now) and have no desire to Google. You can buy this book for a steep price of $40-something dollars. Whatevs.

As I started to read this FAQ, I noticed I became alternately hot and cold, boldly reading on and feeling my eyes bug out like a garish cartoon’s would. This FAQ is totes ridics. I mean, it is so full of OMGWTFBBQ NONONONONO that Icontinued to read because I thought, for sure, there would be something that would show this is just a tasteless joke. But NO! It’s for serious. This dude is straight up, jack-assed serious about his “advice” to “girls”.

And that’s another thing that got me, he never referred to females as women. Only as girls. Chauvinist. Dog. In. A. Manger. We aren’t girls. We’re women. We are adult females so address us as women.

Now onto the contents of the book… Geez I hope you haven’t eaten anything because this is epic WTFuckery.

As I stated before, I started my foray into Jack’s advice world by reading the FAQ first. This was an apparently hilariously bad idea. Here are some key quotes:

I’m pregnant and just looking for ways to be better at giving head. Is there a position that would be best for me to be in or what’s another option for when he cums other than in my mouth because we don’t want our baby to get that in his system.

This woman doesn’t want her baby to get the cum in his system. WHATTTTTT!

Instead of explaining that it’s highly unlikely that the little fetus will get daddy’s spermz in his little fetus belly, Jack’s response is to learn to be comfortable with him spewing his load on her face, or her pointing his spewing cock elsewhere and ceaning him off with her mouth or a wet tissue and some kisses on his head. All while kneeling on the floor. He also states that if she… oh fuck, just look at this shit:

However, that’s only the FAQ. This isn’t even the actual book with his “lessons”. So let’s move on, shall we?

Jack’s actual lessons are an instructional tutorial on how to laugh, cringe, pucker up, dry up vaginas and dry heave all at the same time. It’s ridics. TOTES RIDICS! He’s got some prime lessons, such as the proper cocksucking attitude and learning how to love that cock you’re about to or are sucking.

THere are also some interestingly titled techniques and positions. These include The Regular Housewife, The Regular Housewife 2.0, Sit and Suck, The Smart Housewife, Two Handed Twisting, Blowing and Licking (which not a lot of “girls” actually know about (HUH)), Analingus, and the Public Toilet.

I’m going to talk about the Analingus and the Public Toilet, because really, how could I not?? Now Jack says that he homophobic, and I applaud him for admitting it since some won’t–they’ll just act/react/whateverthosejackassclosethomorepublicans. He says one of his exes introduced him to it, he came in 20 seconds and now he loves having his ass rimmed and tickled while having his cock sucked. There are instructions, Steps 0-6. Thats 7 steps in total, in case you were wondering. Oh, Jack.

Oh, and his wonderful advice on STDs and how, after the thousands of blowjobs received from hundreds of girls, he has yet to get one (I doubt that):

But the part that really got me was the Public Toilet part. It’s so.. so…. BAD! Public restrooms are disgusting already, so there is no need for me to go give a blowjob in one. I’m not a republican congressman, thank you very much. And public restrooms are just gross. No way, Jose!

Jack also makes tasteless euphemisms and tactless remarks about girls and how they should respond and act when their menz want to shoot their loads into their mouths, how they should get acclimated to the taste of semen and learn to deep throat. And don’t make horrible faces, either.

So, that’s the FAQ and I have lots of “shots” of his book. These are key quotes that I thought you would enjoy because I can no longer seriously review this book without being a total ranting, raving, foaming at the mouth bitch.

 

Remember, ladies, menz, according to Jack, want this kind of girl:

And, as always:

Love, Jack

 

So now, I leave you with my interpretation of the book:

.

Check out these lovely ladies’ reviews of Jack’s Blowjob Lessons:

A Bedroom Blog on February 3

Sugar Cunt Writes on February 4

Scarlett Seraph on February 5

(These links will be live on those dates mentioned)

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Insane Hussein

J is a super-cool female superhero delivering her honest opinions of romance novels, douchenuggetry, sex toys, porn and whatever else she fancies. When not on the blog, she can be found on twitter chatting about whatever random thing occurs to her, might be curled up with a good book, eating chocolate, guzzling--she mean, sipping delicately--wine, watching TV, watching porn or on her back having orgasms. Or a combination thereof. Don't judge, appreciate!

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  • LMAO! Um, I think the title and book cover alone told me all I need to know about the “author(s)” but thanks. After 16 years of marriage, only my husband is allowed to give me blowjob lessons 😉

  • insanehussein

    Girl, it was cray cray. Did you like my corndog graphic? LOL

  • this is the kind of shit that makes me think burning books is a good idea

  • insanehussein

    Vee, I think the important question is: did you like the Bachmann pic? LOL!

  • I’m kind-of entranced by that corn dog. It looks really delicious.

    I… have no further words.

  • @Epiphora – Haha it probably is. And it looks like enough to feed two kids. 😉

  • Jeffrey

    I would be angry that he used “STD’s”

  • @Jeffrey – Bwahahahaha ain’t it the truth?

  • I just want to point out that I’m a cocksucking feminist. :p

  • the bedroom blogger

    I would like to point out that I am a lady in the streets and a slut between the sheets. That’s why I’m such an awesome girlfriend. @Insane Hussein

  • Jenn

    Me too. We should get matching jackets and start a club.

  • @Jenn – Yea Jenn!! I have an idea for an ad image. I’ll email you?

  • Hey, if public restroom blowjobs aren’t your kink, that’s OK, but what you don’t like about them is exactly what makes them hot for some of us 🙂

  • A.

    Just a heads up that all of the images are broken. Read partway into this review so far and it sounds hilarious, but not as complete as it was a couple months ago. 🙂